woe era
A couple of months ago, on my bday, we coined the term 'woe is me' era and the corner song (to be in someone's corner, to have the stability of a 90deg angle).
Been thinking about mental health today.
Went to try on some underwear and felt so gross. Took some pics. I cropped out my face and suddenly it felt like this body was hot af. but even with my phone on top of my face, the intense discomfort of being seen -- oof.
I scroll on facebook and read the comments. and people are so horrible. esp mental health. saw some comments around BPD and it made me recognize the teeny voices in my head that are very 'please, no people to witness any of this'.
Executive functioning has been so bad lately. Esp when it comes to calling friends and family back. Even returning a text.
hmm.
ADHD, BPD, OCD, Autism. I have markers for all of these. Like, most of these they don't say I have them at the doctors, just -- you have symptoms for these things. Although, for a proper diagnosis, you need to spend a couple grand - esp autism.
The Major depressive and GAD are confirmed though.
Was thinking about my dad and how whenever I complain or have a hard time with things, he says that I need to focus more. Last year I was finally like -- bro, I have ADHD. That's how that works.
A lot of the articles talk about meds, and I don't like them. We bumped me up to 150 mg of effexor when I was at the library. I couldn't function. But the increase (from like the lowest dose) was such a mistake, looking back. It wasn't my brain. It was the conditions of really weird employers that gaslight people. I am so, so glad they have a union now.
Yesterday, I felt so frustrated at the cat. The thought of rehoming her came up again. Like, its not fun to worry about her being home alone when I'm in a new city and trying to live my life. It's not fair to her that I don't have energy to play like she needs.
No real, final answer on it, just recognizing the vibes.
This morning, we played for a bit. I had energy. Slept through most of the night.
Had a second big-sleep at 10am though, I think it was withdrawl. I'll take another 75mg at some point today.
Really, I should be tapering off with my doctor, but the inter-province health care is a limbo space. I just applied for my Quebec health card, and -- the doctors will likely be mainly francophone.
There are some other meds I need to re-up too. PCOS, hormones, yada yada.
-- i wish they didn't call it birth control, btw. Call it all E n T.
And, if I get a gig with enough $, I would love to see an osteopath, and maybe a physical therapist.
I tried asking my doctor in Ontario about the joint and muscle stuff. But they keep asking about family history, and like. Record keeping barely started in my parents generation. I'm going to have to get a referral to a specialist.
Anyway.
Feeling grateful for friends.
...also feeling gross and unattractive and like, bad at being a responsible social being.
mm. positives!!!!
ok.
Grateful for friends.
Grateful for web project officially wrapping up today (invoice covers rent)
Grateful there's a new dev contract I was able to apply to (fingers crossed)
Grateful that I am trying.
Had this thought of like. This brain, this body. It's a role. A part written out for me to live through. Even when I cringe at myself, past - present - future, this is the life I was born into.
I am using whatever wisdom I can, but this particular cosmic part -- it comes with limitations.
i wanna scream sing or something. karaoke soon maybe.
mm. I think I wanna join a gym.