what do u wanna be when u grow up

23 Sep, 2024

One of my fave stories about F. is when they were a kid, someone asked them what they wanted to be when they grow up. and they said 'something with plants'.

Their mom explained that plant-work didn't make a lot of money. Years and years later, they now work as a farmer. And for all the time they spent fretting that they didn't know what to do with their life -- here they are. Driving to the outskirts at 7am, planting, harvesting.

They took me along for volunteer farm day this year - harvesting garlic - and it was such a joy to watch them. Chatting up everyone who came by, especially neighbours and other volunteer folks. Watching them give advice and make decisions.

When you've known someone for a long while, and you are close, it is fun and funny to watch them be around people who are newer to their life. That's where you see the changes.

🌱

I've noticed it with Cat too. I check in on her if I hear a lot of meowing. The other day, I opened the door to find a tween trying to pet her. The tween would try to touch her, and Cat would swipe at her, meowing loudly. It was a lesson in how my cat, although friendly, is militantly encouraging the world around her to treat her with respect. And it made me feel, for once, special. All those times I thought she did not like me, we are not close -- poof!

'Wow, she really does like me.' is the new thought. Cat comes when I call, she lets me pet her, she even hangs out beside me by choice sometimes.

🐈‍⬛

And so. Whats the thing I really want to talk about today?

Unpacking my own discomfort around 'what do i want to do', I came to some new findings. I think I want to be a designer. The kind of designer who styles things in their own particular way, but always with the grain of whatever content or message is being put forth by the client.

✦ Realizing how social practice and organizing have allowed me to design the container and facilitate content from community.

✦ Remembering the chip on my shoulder from accepting the limitations of my parents. Getting in to design school was not enough, they were worried about money and I was too chicken to do it on my own as an 18 year old who'd only been in this new country for 2 years. One of the bigger chips on my shoulder.

✦ Place. I have access to more folks who already work as a designer now. When I was trying to freelance as an illustrator, it felt like pulling teeth. But mentorship and opportunity feels possible here.

🐌

I identify as a hater. I do a lot of work to accept negative feelings and opinions. Because I feel strongly, and the idea of positive statements only makes me nauseous. Be real, you know? It's ok to not enjoy things. And therefore, haterism is a valid character trait.

When I look into some of the things I feel inadequate about - like not getting to go to design school, or not making it as an illustrator, or not feeling connected to folks in publishing/making/diy. Well, they tend to lie at an intersection of

✦ place - where am i physically located, who am i physically around
✦ opportunity - what opportunities are around me, in this place?
✦ daring - do i have the material conditions → informed confidence to strike out on my own¹?

Berlin last year was a turning point for so many reasons. I felt free, for once. And it showed me that
(1) don't listen to your parents who want you to overpack
(2) meeting folks who did move at 18 and figured out how to support themselves

The North American → global narrative of folks knowing their path at 18, or of having the confidence/community/resources to strike out on their own. Well, it's a bad map.

The South Asian one I've grown up isn't great either. A lot of fear, a lot of ingrained 'We could never!'. The violence of life and history in that part of the world, in the culture - it makes sense. And I disagree, really really hard. Fuck de-humanising ourselves and others.

꩜

I want to believe! lol.

I dream of a world where learning + making / practicing + work for $ are intertwined. Like,

Person A spends their morning sleeping in, making breakfast. At 2pm, they join their online class on bio-hacking until 3.30pm. Then they eat lunch. at 5pm, they step out to work at a cafe or library, etc. At 9pm, they set out to DJ/perform and practice their art. And in the week, they get to balance their different offers and needs.

Now that I write it out, my days do resemble this a little lol. Just, reorienting things to support myself more.

To have an art practice. Practice is a key word. And when it feels like the art -- making things to match production/$/exposure goals -- is eclipsing the practice. Well, its unsatisfying, somatically. It builds into the discomfort in your chest.

This is not a new concept. But it is something I've been unpacking in my burnout.

✦ I want to support myself by doing creative / community things.

balancing this with

✦ I want to connect slowly, make lovingly, move meanderingly. Without the fear of making creativity fit into deadlines. Like, making from within myself, vs making to please others.

🧃

It feels difficult to put into words. It feels like a niche thought for other folks in the professional art pipeline.

It reminds me of another thread I pull at sometimes. Of folks who went to engineering/ comp-sci school making art. vs an artist like me, learning to code.

There is no one path in life.

Years ago, I read a statistic that said that most people reach their peak earning potential at 30 and plateau there. I don't care about money in that way, but. Money is scarce and it is difficult to remember abundance when you are worrying about rent.

Anyway.

🌊

With all this unknown and unknowable,
with all that wanders and worries,
-- I think, I hope --
I would like to design things for other people.

🌺 Dugga Dugga 🙏🏽

#art #artist?