purpose-full
I figured some things out this past week.
Mainly that, I've been looking to reorganize my life in a way that meets my own logics. A conceptually sound life. Designed to function with purpose. Purposeful.
Work and Money
A lot of things come down to money, for me. Money = freedom to make my own choices. Whether it's around doing nothing1, or feeling confident to go against the grain2.
I don't want to rely on art, or art/community adjacent projects for livelihood anymore. Partly, because I now live in a French-speaking place, and hope to spend more time in non-Anglo cities (miss u Berlin). And partly because, after the library, its become really clear to me that I can't function as a person if I want to work in a community space.
(most community jobs have mainly full time positions)
My constraints include burnout (can't keep focus), falling sick a lot, and the usual thing of 'I can't work somewhere I don't believe in'.
New work ideal:
working part time hours ~ 15 hours a week, up to 25 hours if employee
Freelance or contract preferred ~ they have to treat me as an equal, as a person
Remote first ~ unless I want to know them or I'm an employee
I am pretty sure I want to make websites for money. Which will take time for me to get more skills and clients, but I feel like that aligns a lot more.
In the meantime, I'm looking for new gigs in the old way: flexible hours that fit any of community / art / code skills. Gotta eat3 <3
Art and Making
I love making things and learning, teaching -- all of that.
I want to do it at my own pace, instead of feeling pressured to come up with ideas to get funding. So many projects with $$ attached have a kind of 'brief', and I feel like -- even if what I make is connnected to the theme -- I'm writing proposals to win the brief.
And then, often finding out that I don't have the energy to do the project like I had hoped -- which results in me feeling like a bad artist, or worse.
I want to figure out how to talk about my ideas and process without promising things to any funders.
I also want to find ways to commit to making and exploration outside of funding.
This practice would likely require some amount of peace. As in, the ability to feel peace, even if I am worried or anxious.
Deadlines and pressure do drive me though. So I want to think about this more, how to work gently and instill a sense of 'I want to make this thing', without feeding into needing pressure or being driven by 'I want to get there first'.
How to create the conditions? to make and connect with making, without beyond the feeling of 'not good enough'? How do I want it to feel, when I am making?
MFAs and other goals
I have good reasons!! for not getting an MFA right now. :))))
I realize its important to me because
I want to tech in higher Ed, because I love teaching and suporting younger artists
It's a terminal degree and I would feel accomplished.
I would be able to spend time with access to resources and equipment.
Being around other makers and talking about making. Ideally, we would know each others as friends and collborators for a long time.
.☘︎ ݁˖
The reasons that had me worried were
I have trouble making and keeping friends, and feeling connected. A worry that my cohort would be much younger than me and I would feel left out.
Going into a masters to get a job seems unwise. Teaching positions are not always available, and I could be back to scrambling like I am now. I don't like the scramble.
While a masters program provides some community and resources, they may dissappear after. I need to have my own system that is resilient and networked, regardless of academia.
As I get more into coding, I don't want to go into a Masters and feel the distance between my skills and what I want to make. I want to intuitively know the 'how' and have practice with it. vs fighting with terminal or servers.
Realizing that it felt like the only logical choice, even though the intense commitment of it feels overwhelming.
And then, I'm not ready to move from Montreal.
Life Admin
I got my provincial health card! It says KUNT, because of my first and last name. :))
I want to have my objects decluttered and organized while I'm here. Figure out web freelancing while I know folks who do it. Have a routine with my cat, learn how to be financially independant and not stressed. Maybe finally figure out driving.
I had a more social week than usual. And some of my conversations with friends who are also artists, and ofc with Th. and F., who know me well -- it gave me a lot more perspective.
Having conversations about being a working artist is very important to me. It was lovely to hear thoughts from A. and Ay, and just like. Riff. Ask the hard things, and say the hard things. The word 'inspire' was on my mind, and, it's so easy to forget. But its important! To be inspired! To experience art that inspires you.
Th. and I were catching up, and they pointed out that some of the things I'm talking about, they have been on my mind for a while, even if they feel newly frustrating.
And with Ay, it was much easier to be understood when I talked about money and family and figuring out how to keep myself resourced as an individual.
Yesterday, F. came over and we talked about our feelings around 'when other people seem better at the thing'. They feel shy to express themselves, and I feel jealous. A fun metaphor that came up was that we are metamours with the gift, the spirit, the process.
When they are in a cypher, they see the spirit of House move through the people dancing, and it passes through each of them. The relationship is personal, but also communal.
I feel so lucky to know them, and the way they introduce gentleness into my life.
I feel so lucky for all the folks I get to spend time with actually. It's nice to know people.
I'm still figuring out how to have friends vs having maker friends to talk about making with.
Art is not tech, and the boundaries are blurrier. Or, thats how it feels.
And! Burnout is teaching me I need to not commit to things. Time is precious, even if I spend it asleep, or work on coding tutorials, or simply be able to spend all day with a friend. Or like, do nothing.
𓆝 𓆟 𓆞 𓆝 𓆟
as in, free to rest or travel or learn something new. Or honestly, just do nothing. Nothing at all. to Read more How to do nothing↩
I don't believe in expectations, but its hard to admit that a lot of my choices are in part due to socio-cultural norms I grew up in. And even though I regularly do things that are unexpected for my family -- whether its pursuing an art career or keeping my hair short -- it can difficult to fully let go of the programming. Wanting to read more Queer Failure and embody it more. to Read more Art of Queer Failure↩
I want to make enough to cover the essentials of rent and food, but also pay down debt, save for both emergencies and travel and art related things like taking classes. Like, I've been wanting to learn furniture making forever.↩