code break
Caught a rot wave today, but made it back into the WordPress tuts.
Feeling the anxiety about real life creep in. The unknowns and all that.
There's so much I want to do before the roommates come back. Not even that much, like. Fold the mountain of clothes. Clean my room again, so the floor is clear. Maybe reorganize my pantry. A spot for everything.
I saw this sweet deal on FB marketplace for an auto-feeder (for Cat). It's apparently an hour away in the deep suburbs. Like, way past what you could reasonably call Isle de Montreal. I'm wondering if I could maybe do the trip tomorrow. It's so cold though. Mm.
I went to N's for Xmas last night. I changed my outfit 2x. Settled on a black fashun sweater (cute, but not supes warm), and soft khaki pants. Came home with the buttons and zippers undone, and hidden under the top. They made squash?? And I liked it???
I was surprised. ...Strangers and I generally don't mix, esp at first pass. I was expecting to be hanging out with a book. But it was lovely.
I know them through the studio. Their friend S., who I had met at my WIP show, was there too. And someone from a smaller town up north. I probably talked too much, but it was fun. Good group.
N. and I are going to be working on mutual aid stuff together soon at the studio. I was looking into intervention training, and a few of us are hoping to co-learn through the process. I think I want to start with basic Naxalone training, and then there's more sui***e intervention stuff, and conflict and so on.
It was sweet to know them better. It was sweet of them to invite me.
I offered them a safe word for when they wanted to kick me out, and they said I was the best house guest ever. Haha. I've never heard that before. I'm glad it worked for them. But yeah, they feel like a solid person. Looking forward to knowing them more in the new year.
There's a bunch I want for myself this next year.
Noticing that I'm feeling the push-pull between paying off the CC, getting furniture to help my 'everything has a place' agenda, and saving for grad school.
I wish more of us would talk about money.
Also noticing that
- I want better boundaries around who/how I am at work.
- The tension between doing grad school here in CA (but Canadians have been steady boring me for a while), because Montreal MFA = solid network for the next several years. VS the states, which would be so, so fun. But I have no desire to live there long term (and I have a feeling the quality of cohort and discussion would be better). ...I keep reminding myself it'll come down to funding, and the applications are just lottery at this point.
- Wanting to get Cat the world, but the resentment of my ex impulsively getting her for us during the break up. It is resurfacing, esp because I do really want to experience the world, for myself. And playing/feeding/caring/transporting is a lot for someone on default rot mode.
Sometimes, when my mind wanders into nostalgia, its like running my tongue over my teeth. I feel all the fucking plaque built up, all the gaps and erosion from years of sugary drinks and whatever the fuck.
Been thinking about addiction.
I quit drinking, I quit smoking. I mainly do weed, ideally in drink form (hi5 to the SQDC and Canada's legalization in general).
I'm really fucking careful about substances. I'll cut out anything, if I feel the dependency creeping in.
I've been wondering if I'm starting some kind of lowkey intimacy addiction. Or if it's just the regular BPD void of love re-surfacing.
People talk about things improving to the point it's effortless. I don't know, I go back and forth.
Mhm. I still think about Berlin. It took so long to find a plug. It made me realize what a stoner I am, even if I'm only an occasional partaker. I love that I get high so easily. I've come to appreciate the techniques and strategies around paranoia and anxiety when it gets too much.
Pro-tip for all the anxious partakers. You're going to want to distract yourself. Pick a movie. I like comedy-horrors from the 80s, like death becomes her. Or put on a song. Dance!
And, try a hybrid. Start small. Always do it around people that love you, people you trust. Although that goes for any drug.
For context, I get high usually one or twice a week. Keeps me chill, gets me tapped back into myself. Best when I get to it on a Sunday, doing reset and self care.
Face Masks!! The point isn't skincare, that's a bonus. It's that you have to sit still for 10-15 minutes and you can't really move or do anything. The Moisturization rocks though. Gods, I love a good fucking moisturizer. I will literally go on and on about them. Anywayyy.
Still terrified of taking the WordPress gig. But I think I might work on the SOP and grad apps tomorrow.
I want to pay this fucking thing off. The months of living on the CC.
I worry that I'll be back here again. Like, I'll figure out how to make money as a dev, and then the jobs will dry up. Or I'll become even more disabled.
I was looking up flights last night. Joshua Tree. Mexico City. Maybe even Philly, where a friend has a couch. I'm itching to run away for a minute. Forget that I'll probably be miserable if I have nothing to focus on.
I just want to live. I want to feel alive.
Travelling does it for me. I feel so fucking confident, making decisions.
I should get back to code. Or play with Cat or something.
What a silly time to be alive. to be a person.
Keep it going hbb.
<3